1.They love to sniff their fingers after doing unsavoury things

2.When you cry, they freak out, get frustrated, fcuk off or turn into a lamp post/tree/post box (erm …well, anything that sorta just stands there, doing nothing, you know?)

3.When they cry, they are pathetic, self-pitying and worse than kids (say the kids)

4.When you’re ill, they consider it an infringement of their freedom and needs … whereas …

5.When they are, they make out it’s Doomsday and the four frickin horsemen are riding their backs, and

6.They become more demanding than babies in wanting to be molly cuddled over their poor wittle cough/sore wittle toe/and wittle tummy wupset

7.They want all the benefits of a relationship without making any effort (unless they want s*ex)

8.They’re as sincere and devoted as their bo*ink-on lasts

9.Even when they know others after them use the same toilet as they do, they still go ahead and make as if they’ve just visited Water Park Adventures

10.They insist they’re right 100% of the time, even when they’re wrong 95% of the time

11.Unless they’re part of some remote tribe of the Amazon or some such, their only demonstration of emotional sensitivity is when they miss the TV remote

12.As a rule, they’d rather go to bed smelling a bit (or a lot: euyuw), than make even a smidgen of effort to have a quick wash first before getting into bed with you

13.When they know you are right in a point of argument, they still frickin argue with you (but only until you’re reduced to tears, and then they’ll apologise … if you’re lucky)

14.Lifting the toilet seat to have a pee is a Herculean task for them; they’d rather climb Everest (don’t ask why; it’s unfathomable and they don’t care, but they do like it easy, right?)

15.They love you, but they love it more when you make it very clear you love them

16.But j*esusH, godforbid don’t say you love them too much, or at the wrong time, cos otherwise you’ll suffocate them and they need their space, alright?

17.Their bo*ink-on is justification enough to do it, irrespective of how you feel or what you want at the time

18.They behave with their friends in front of you as if you’re simply an object or a target or invisible

19.And then they wonder why you’re so p*issed off with them afterwards?

20.They are relieved when you stop crying, irrespective of caring or knowing why you’ve cried or why you stopped

21.And you’re lucky if you’ve found a guy that does understand why (see 20) cos most don’t and you need to spell it out in six-foot-high neon letters (and preferably with a rubber hammer or tattoo on their forehead, or a kick to their rubber parts to drive the message home)

22.When you say you don’t want to be bo*inked there, they continue to insist with their bo*ink-on there

23.They don’t wash their hands after going to the toilet

24.They can be supportive of you, but please don’t expect it during a footie match/other sports on TV, cos that’s just selfish, innit?

25.Their idea of comforting you when you’re upset/ill/troubled is as short-lived as their memory of why you were p*issed off with them in the first place.

26.One more drink in the pub means “I’ll see you six hours later, darling, post-kebab shop, with donner stains all over me and the freshest breath since kitty litter, and if you can be ready for a drunken sha*g, that’d be great, cheers love!”

And more besides, god bless em. (Cos no-one else will. Ahem.)

Do, please, zap me a comment/tweet or whatever’s easiest to let me know what else to add to the list so I can do another update – all suggestions welcome!